moonlight

Oh, my beautiful strings,
the melody you play is haunting;

daunting, draining,
so easily you move my heart –
given to despair,
to endless hunger;
was I not meant to be yours?

Have I forgotten
the beauty of blossom,
or am I a prisoner
by my own hand?

Both of us hated ourselves –
so, naturally, we became lovers;
and from that, downhill it goes,
chaos strikes and pierces.

Subtle signs of unspoken truths,
looks subtle and avoided,
taking turns in dances unseen.
I wish I could embrace.

Alas, the worse comes:
this damn reality,
fears and regrets,
bottled up emotions,
and the anger for it all –
for daring to stop us
from being who we truly are.

“I love you,
so much you must kill me now.”

no rest for the wicked, deranged
if not for finding the long-lost banes
no pardons for the sickly contagious
if not for white cold snow remains

this shadow belongs nowhere
silence overthrows
soundless, speaks louder than storms

a mystery of old, this so-called hate
buried far away from a reaching light
a blazing flame under calm demeanor

no poetry lies in a bed of sorrows
if not so first in a sky of blame
no masks remain in a face of nothingness
if not for smiling on still the same

this heathen belongs in sin
blasphemy overcomes
soulless, leaves this place in shame

little flickery thing, this so-called hope
lures into a deep lake of darkness
a candlelight lonely in a castle of regrets

If this is what kills me, so be it –
Endemic destruction is on its way, anyway.
My mortal skin, it lies by existing,
And if soul exists, it betrays me;
Emotion weakens me every time.

Sphinx’s charade is beyond me –
It asks me to devour myself,
And for my mistakes to answer fully.
Justice scale has no counterbalance,
Doomed into submission of self.

Same sun rises and rises,
Smoke fills my lungs and my thoughts.
It’s like a story of old, charming fairytale,
Where the villain must pay for the world’s sins.
Awakening of the merciful.

If this is what kills me, so be it –
Never invited to be a part of this maze.
The riddle consumes the last of my own,
Deception into a nothingness of light.
The hangman smiles to me.

(originally written in 01/05/2021)

With a breath deeper than her own thoughts,
She realized things would ever change.
Melodies will play in eternal inspiration,
They can’t be lost anymore.

A goodbye is due, farewell my dear beloved;
I won’t remain in the turmoil underwater.
My oceans are too wide, full of living poetry,
For me to sacrifice my own mind.

With a a breath deeper than her own feelings,
She realized things shall ever go on.
A sky of stars, crescent moon on the rise,
Struggling steps long gone in the snow.

Your voice will be missed, my own self,
I won’t remain walking roads of pain.
Fields of grass and rain await, longing
For my tears to be free again.

leeches dominant,
hauntings inevitable –
survival of the strongest,
destiny for the weak.

knowledge forgotten,
wisdom ignored –
revival of the worthy,
oblivion for the meek.

belong to nowhere,
beloved by none;
the leeches bite deep,
the hauntings consume.

go back to nowhere,
remembered by none;
the knowledge was false,
the wisdom begone.

i do not fear the fall –
i fear craving for it.

I am trapped in a room of idols,
And dead God knows how long I’ve been here.
Idols from the past, in all its glory,
Living a life no longer remembered.
Idols from the future, bathed in sunlight,
Those who can’t fathom the inevitable rain.
Idols from the now, scattered through worlds,
They only show their faces at noon.

I am trapped in dreams infinite,
In the land of sands not made by my oceans.
Idols from harsh words and idols from kindness,
Idols of pain and broken idols of prowess.

Their statues lay, in the loudest of silences,
Watching my every chained step towards nowhere.
I am trapped, since ever lost,
And dead God knows how long I’ve been here.

The angel sang my demise
like the melody of an old violin 
and I’d feel honored, if not
for the unfairness of it all

Break your silence, child,
the angel said in kind words
thou shall be free of pain
thou shall be free of sorrow

But am I not also bound to be free
of my dreams and hopes
of the passion and lust
of all the beauty of my living despair?

Am I not also bound to be free
of the memories dear
of feeling the raindrops
of all the poetry this pain inflicts?

I will carry my soul, I answered
I shall keep my words spoken
I shall keep my heart broken

My spirit belongs to my void
And no one else.

The angel sang my demise
So be it, so be it
I have long watched the dance of the black swans
I have known the secrets of old
Doom never fails.

And so I became the raven
And I sang my own destiny, for those willing to listen
Be it demise, be it blessing,
Be it a curse of the eternal ones

My spirit belongs to my choice
And no one else.

(originally written in 17/12/2020)

darker the thoughts that run through my spirit
break me inside, tear me apart
shallow the feelings of hope and new days
they pull me and pull me in pieces asunder

onwards they run into scattered formation
in chaos they’re made, and will be reborn
they hunt through the maze, memories long broken
they howl in the night their untethered dismay

darker the thoughts that infect my being
my days and my nights belong still to them
shallow the feelings of brighter sun glory
lifeless remains of forgotten days

(originally written in 12/12/2020)

So I fly, far away,
through paths I haven’t dreamed of.
So I call you, loud and clear,
forgetting – I don’t know your name.
Long is my road, hungry my soul,
and I walk on the sands of lost kingdoms.
I have missed you, have I seen you?
I do indeed no longer feel.
And on dwell paths I cannot follow,
on go dangers I cannot face,
on your shadow brightly shines in my story,
born damned to be forgotten one day.