“Mein verlor’nes Kind” he said, in a soft-spoken voice, while I left the room ignoring him. I never looked back. But I also never understood his last words. Back then I was young, and he had this very annoying habit of mixing languages to confuse me. That would drive me mad. So this one I simply refused to listen, assuming he wanted me to react, to look at him, to distract myself of my resolution of rebelling and leaving.
Only much, much later, I would learn that German was his mother language. The real one he had learned as a boy before finding out his true self. The one that meant the most to him. The one he would fall back to whenever he was in his truest form. I was young, you see… I wouldn’t ever notice the nuances of his choices for changing languages. Back then for me it was all bullshit or just mannerisms.
I wish now I could revisit those times. Pay attention to what he said. Ask for him to teach me, and when he denied, go after it myself. How many other words have I lost in those times? This last german phrase I could only remember, so many years after, in a weird dream-like trance where that moment repeated itself. I managed somehow to remember what seemed to be the words, and research them. Little did I know, back then, that was the last time I would ever hear his true voice, outside of my dreams and memories.
“My lost child”, was this last whisper to me as I left. And true words they were. He had never, as far as I knew, called me “his child” or anything of the likes. Only the Old Faes know how many times he did it in a way I couldn’t understand… And lost, indeed. Not just lost to him – had he any way of knowing he wouldn’t ever see me again? A weird chill haunts me when I think of that – but also lost in many more ways. The next years after that decision were my most desperate ones. A stupid and arrogant youngling, thinking to know the truth of it all, going to the world with no guide or map – only to learn by breaking his nose on the dirt over and over again.
Damn old bat. I miss him. Especially now, being back at this house, after what seems like ages and only days at the same time.
(originally written in 14/11/2021)